How DOGE Intends For You to Die This Week: Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
It is that time of week again — the time when we find out exactly how DOGE is illegally and immorally slashing programs in order to pay for either government contracts for Elon Musk’s company or for tax breaks for Elon Musk personally! Yes, let’s us explore the strange and horrifying world of exactly how Musk, Trump, the DOGE incels, and the GOP intend to hurt regular Americans so they can take dollars that should go to help everyone for themselves and their donors! This week it is vulnerable babies in DOGE’s crosshairs.
Normally, you would not believe me when I tell you that DOGE is targeting babies. I mean, who doesn’t love babies? (Aside, maybe, from their parents at 2:45 in the morning when the little darlings just won’t STOP CRYING and GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. But that generally passes as soon as they kid finally naps for FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES, PLEASE GOD JUST FIVE!!!). Well, the DOGE people don’t seem to love babies, as they have ended a program designed to help stop SIDS, or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Sounds bad, doesn’t it? It has the phrase “sudden death” right in it — I doubt that it is good. But in the wonderful world of DOGE, what is a few more dead babies? Probably only weak babies die from this, are they right? Of course they are right — they are DOGE! Who needs expertise when you have half-assed computer programmers!
The program DOGE so gleefully cut was designed to coordinate information and distribute materials that helped parents, educators, and medical professionals avoid SIDS. It literally was meant to help keeps babies from dying, but that is apparently not a good enough use of taxpayer money. And before you ask — yes, it was successful. In the thirty years it was in place, SIDS deaths were cut by almost half, despite the continued growth of the population. Pretty good bang for the buck, I think. But how does it compare to how the money should be really spent — on rich people?
Well, one place the saved money could go is to Elon Musk. His firm is the apparent front runner to get the first contracts for Golden Dome — a bullshit plan to prevent missiles from striking the United States. This would be another in a long line of what is probably a physical impossibility and has so far certainly been a complete waste of time and money. But, hey, in this case, Musk would own the technology the government paid for and be able to lease it back to us, the American taxpayers, the ones who paid for it in the first place! Surely, surely, that is such a good deal that it is worth a few dead babies?
Well, doesn’t matter if you think that is insane — Musk, Trump, and DOGE are happy to make that trade. After all: what does it profit a man to save thousands of babies but lose his ability to fleece the US taxpayers? Or something like that. I am sure the DOGE boys can get imitative AI to give me the real quote. Or one close enough for their purposes.